Absense makes the heart grow fonder....

When someone sits down and they tells you that life is a roller coaster, listen to them. They know what they are talking about. Life is certainly a journey. It is a path that you have no control over. Luck, love, destiny, and fate control your life. You just have to hold on and enjoy the ride. I feel like I have been through the ringer and went a complete circle. You think your life is going one way. But in all reality it heads the total opposite direction. The past two years have been insane. I have become a different person. I have experienced a completely different lifestyle and became the most independent person I have ever been. I can honestly say that right now I am the woman that I have always wanted to be. Every aspect of my life is set, except for career wise, but that will come in time.  This I know for sure.

I have had someone I n my life completely reach out to me and tell me something that I Have been waiting 2 years to hear. “I’m excited about feeling normal again and doing what makes me feel good and what is right, which is being with you.” Bamm. Just like that my whole world changed. I sat in a hotel room and cried. I didn’t cry because I was sad, I cried because I was happy. I know this time around its going to be completely different. We are adults now, we know what we want, we have been out there dating, meeting new people and realize what we knew the first time around, we are completely meant to be together. This time around I am a stronger person, I am a confident person and I am someone that will be the girlfriend that he deserves to have. I just pray and hope that he is willing to make the changes too to have a solid relationship. If he is committed he will, and if he doesn’t, than I know that I can walk away and be okay.

So I sit here in Waco, all by myself at a work conference. I am seriously about to fall asleep. I am going to these conferences for a certification that I have to obtain. The funny thing about it thought, is that every topic that they bring up, DOESN’T RELATE TO ME! I sooo want to crawl into bed right now and fall asleep. What doesn’t help is that I have self diagnosed myself with ADD. I can’t focus on one thing at all and I think that is what had made me out to be a worry wort. I’ll start one thing and an hour later I have picked up or touched about three or four other projects. Good lord! What am I going to do with a house! I am sitting here and I can’t stop moving. I have bitten off all my nails, all I can think about it when am I eating next and why the hell Is my phone acting up. It’s going to meet a wall pretty soon at a high velocity rate! It is a piece of shit. Holy Crap! I thought the Android was suppose to be the high tech phone out there. I hate it! And somehow I just managed to figure out that my messages don’t work, I can’t even see the ones that I am sending out. Now, by phone won’t even turn on. Now I have to find a sprint store close to have all this fixed before I go to Corpus Christi tomorrow. I hope going to the store is not a headache. I hope I can simply walk in there, tell them “I have to walk out with a working phone” and let them work their magic! And just like that Sprint has become GOD in my world….well for the moment. I successfully drove back to my hotel with a working phone….well a working phone with no contacts! Sucka!

Post Christmas Lull

The holidays are over and I don't know if I have ever been happier. This year just seemed so chaotic, so not normal, so different so thats why I think I am happy to have them be over. Now back to my hectic life of working and trying to find time to other crap!

15 things I love right now.....

1. The fact that noone reads my blog. I don't have anyone that I have to impress, no expectations to love up to...its just me, my laptop and my thoughts, which in some circumstances can be deadly.
2. I love a lazy day. I was given today off from work and this is literaly all i have done; baked banana nut muffins, unpacked chrismas gifts, cooked dinner, watched TV, yeah and not much more. I haven't had one of these days in a long time and it has brought me peace in my sanity right now. Just what the doctor ordered.
3. I love having a differenet christmas. This year was full on new family members, bringing past loves back to enjoy a dinner, not having it at my mom's house, a night out with friends and simple christmas gifts.
4. I love the fact that I think about my dad each and every day. I know there is so much he would have to say to everyone right now. Im not ready to let him go. I think that is why I haven't drempt of him yet. I don't think Im ready to get rid of that warmth around me, and Im afraid that if I dream of him he won't be there anymore.
5. I love a good cup of coffee, sweet and hits the spot.
6. I love saying goodbye to someone in the morning knowing that it won't be the last time I tell them that.
7. I love hearing compliments that make you smile. No matter what anyone says these are the things that make you move forward each day.
8. I love waking up knowing that you don't have to go to work that day.
9. I love watching a 4 year old talk about Santa and all the joy that it brings to him. He set out cookies, got his presents (that were way too much), and laughed all day long!
10. I love trash reality TV. It makes me appreciate the simple life that I have. I know that i'm guilty of being sucked into the shitty TV people are putting out there, but I can't stop watching it.
11. I love wine...and vodka....and beer.
12. I love friends.
13. I love that I have the capability to grow into a person that I really want to be. I know that I am not there right now, but my time will come. I keep saying that I am in my prime, but I don't think I have even come close.
14. I love late night cuddle sessions.
15. I love a new shirt and even better I love when I don't have to buy it.

Good Night loves!

Lost with no directions

Just when i think i have everything figured out, something comes along and messes it all up. i know that i am strong enought to get through all this, but how strong do i really have to be? i need a change. i need something to change. but what, when, how and why? i have officially decided that i need a manual for life. someone to tell me which direction i am suppose to go, which path to take, which road to travel down. i guess the defenition of life is "the journey to the end". wow...well it has been one hell of a journey thus far. i can say that i have experienced true love, true pain, true hurt and devistation....but my character is the path back to the top. i shall lean on friends, depend on family, love those that love me and remove those from my life that just don't give a fuck about me. im tired of being hurt, im tired of looking stupid, im tired of being defined by someone else. ya know what...I have more right now than you have ever had, i have accomplished more and i'll be damned if you bring me down. go hurt someone else...go bring them down...and in the long run when i hope you come around...i wont be  there to pick your ass up.

Little things I adore......

 “The easiest thing in the world to do is quit on something. Quitting takes zero effort. Quitting can even be justified with excuses and legitimate reasons at times. When someone quits at something they can even lie to themselves by saying that what they quit on wasn’t that important. To those people with that mentality this is what I have to say. If it was important enough to start, it is important enough to finish. Don’t quit. Hold on, cling to what is yours until your fingers cramp; and once your fingers cramp switch hands.”

thoughts of the day.......

I was on a lunch excursion at Target yesterday and picked up a simple braclet on sale that has a small silver quote on it: Love life. I got a compliment on it at spinn class and it really got me thinking that there is always something in life that you can love. Well I love:

- receiving coupons in the mail and actually using them on time to save money
-sweet text messages from a boy you get to see once you turn your phone back on
-cooking at home for me and knowing what I am having for lunch to next day...left overs!
-weekday happy hours with friends
-friends....all of them
-friends that live in far away places so that I have a fabulous excuse to go on a mini vacation to get some bestie time in
-having money in the bank
-shopping and using more than my savings account
-my nieces and newphews
-the new additions to our family...I love all 3 of them
-concerts outdoors with people I adore
-knowing that someone in this world loves me...no matter what
-nights out that I don't pay for
-wearing a new shirt out and getting complimeted on it
-getting my hair done and knowing I don't look homeless anymore
-taking my shoes off from a long hard day of work
-having someone tell me "you work too much"...just determination in my eyes
-having a new friend at work that makes me laugh every day and is someone i can confide in
-boys who make me smile by the smallest gesture
-country music....i have missed you but I am back now
-my apartment....i am happy to come home and am excited about new craft projects
- looking forward to thanksgiving
-thinking about my dad and knowing that he is smiling and is VERY proud of me
- having a great relationship with my little brother
- a nice cold beer right when you need it
- motivation to work out
- readily accessible news so that I don't feel left out of the loop of life

Ugghh there are so many more things that I could list and I'm sure I will again. I know that I love the fact that I can make this vlog as random as I want to and I don't mind it at all. I hope you like it!

Tombstone.....

" I don't have time to be proper...I want to live"......... (Tombstone)

November is for the Birds

I can't believe it is November already. I honestly want to sit in the corner and cry. Alright i'm not depressed but the fact that an entire year has almost passed again and I haven't accomplished anything doesn't make me want to jump up for joy. I guess you can say that I accomplished moving into an apartment on my own, securing and learning a new job, buying a new car, getting over the fact that I had my heart ripped out and smashed to pieces.....besides all of this "greatness" I experienced I still feel lonely and not whole. I honestly think it is because I spent so much of my time strapped to the hip of another person, that waking up in the morning to only face myself IS SCARY AS SHIT! Finding myself is a horrible journey. Its like you want someone to answer these questions:

-Where do I start?
-How long is this going to take?
-Why is this happening at the age of 26?
-Why do I feel like I'll never accomplish anything

Urrgggg..... I know what I have to do...and to be honest I have been doing it, some what. I just want to be 100% happy. I want to wake up in the morning excited about life not thinking about the next time it is that I can sleep...a good long sleep.

It has helped a bit that I have taken on a second job. My social life has been cut down into half of what it was, but onthe other hand I appreciate that it has made me be a stronger, working person. Now if all those young kids would just get the hell out of my way at work I could accomplish so much more. Or just bring me more money....that would certainly put a huge smile on my face. I need sleep, I need reassurance, I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be a-okay. I need a swift kick in the ass...and I am sure that I can easily find that some where.


Too bad work isn't helping right now either